We’ve all been there. You’ve asked nicely. You’ve asked again. You’ve asked a third time with “the voice.” And still, nothing. Your child is acting like you’re not even in the room. Before you hit repeat one more time (or lose it…), clinical psychologist Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA, has some insights that might change the way you think about what’s really going on.
First, know what’s happening in their brain. “When your child ‘isn’t listening,’ they usually can’t listen. Not won’t. Can’t,” says Nicole. She explains that a child’s brain might be mid-task, mid-emotion, or mid-play, and their brain doesn’t switch gears the way ours does. “The prefrontal cortex that handles shifting attention, holding instructions, and managing impulses is still under construction. It won’t be finished until they’re in their mid-20s.”
Second, resist the urge to get louder. “When we repeat ourselves louder, their brain registers threat, not instructions,” says Nicole. She explains that volume activates the amygdala (the brain’s alarm system), and once that fires, the part of the brain that processes language and follows directions gets drowned out. “So the louder you get, the less they can actually hear you. Don’t take it as defiance; it’s actually biology.”
Third, connect before you direct. Walk over, crouch down to their level, put a hand on their shoulder, and then speak. “Getting close and on their level does what volume never will,” says Nicole. “It signals ‘this matters’ without triggering their alarm system.”
Finally, realize your specific approach will depend on your child, their age, and the situation.
Suggested Responses
“I can see you’re in the middle of something. I need you to _____ in two minutes. I’ll come back to help you switch.”
This gives their brain the pathway for moving from what they’re doing to what you need them to do. Children’s brains often don’t switch between tasks well. A transition warning respects the fact that what they’re doing matters to them while also asserting your boundary that something else needs to happen. To be clear, this isn’t you asking for their permission, but rather giving them a heads-up. This isn’t a crazy concept specific to kids — when you think about it, we all like having a heads-up!
“I’m going to tell you something important, and I need your eyes first.”
Wait for the eye contact. Then give one clear instruction. Don’t overload them; keep it to one. “A child’s working memory is small,” says Nicole. “When we stack instructions like ‘put your shoes on, grab your backpack, and don’t forget your water bottle,’ their brain keeps the last thing and drops the rest. That’s not ignoring you. That’s a developmental limitation.”
“I’ve asked you twice and it’s not landing. What do you need from me right now to make this happen?”
This one is for the older kids, maybe 7 and up. It says: I’m not here to fight you. I’m here to figure this out with you. “Sometimes the answer is surprising,” says Nicole. “They’re stuck. They’re overwhelmed. They don’t know how to start. What looks like defiance is often a child who’s frozen and doesn’t have the words for it.”
“I’m not going to keep repeating myself. I’m going to come sit with you and we’re going to do this together.”
Sometimes the issue isn’t that they won’t listen. It’s that the task feels too big and they need your help to get started. Some parents might battle internally with helping their child in these moments, feeling like they’re giving in to what appears to be laziness or resistance, but sitting next to them and beginning with them is not giving in. “It’s scaffolding,” says Nicole. “You’re lending them your functioning prefrontal cortex until theirs catches up.”
Things to avoid
- Repeating yourself louder each time. (Volume doesn’t increase comprehension. It increases cortisol.)
- “I’m not going to ask you again.” (You will, though. And now you’ve made a promise you can’t keep, which erodes trust.)
- “I’m going to count to three.” (It trains them to wait until three. You’ve accidentally taught them that one and two don’t matter.)
- “Why don’t you ever listen?” (“Ever” and “never” statements become part of their identity. They stop hearing a correction and start hearing who you think they are.)
“None of these make you a bad parent. They’re instincts. But there are better paths,” says Nicole.
Remember: they’re not giving you a hard time. They’re having a hard time. And you are figuring out, with them, a better way to teach them.
Read Dr. Lipkin’s previous story for The Local Moms Network, What to Say When…Your Child Says “I Hate Myself”
About Dr. Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA & HeyKiddo
Nicole Lipkin is an internationally recognized keynote speaker, consulting psychologist, and best-selling author who focuses on human behavior, leadership, and mental agility. For more expert-backed advice, check out Nicole’s parenting app, HeyKiddo, full of evidence-based information about everything from milestone tracking to easy-to-implement, personalized tips. @HeyKiddoapp: Giving you the words before you need them.
Download the app here and get 10% off HeyKiddo!
Dr. Nicole Lipkin, PsyD, MBA & HeyKiddo
